Why Some Filipinas Remain Single

A NOTE OF WARNING

Before reading through and blaming me at the end that you wasted your time reading an entry as rubbish as this one, just let me say that I DID WARN YOU. This entry contains ADULT materials – adult as a psychological reference and not your biological age in years. It has no reference at all to my personal life or to anyone I know, so anyone who can relate or who thinks he/she is made a subject in any part of it is totally mistaken and is delusional the he/she is the focal point of the universe. Everything in this entry is BIASED on the way I see things. It is based on pure observation and is not scientific in anyway. More importantly, not any part of this should be quoted against me until the day I die.

So if you think you have guts enough to take it, read through. If you have none, then go jerk off. (I am just kidding. NO!) Seriously, if you think you better spend your time browsing the net for anything more interesting than this, go check the web for - uhm… your death clock?

An Attempt to an Almost 24-Hour/ Weekday-Weekend Analysis of Living with a Pinoy

(How a female sees the GOOD and BAD of ‘living with’ the opposite sex.)

You wake up:

• Without an alarm, because all you need to do to awaken your senses is breathe deeply and smell the scent of masculine sweat which is almost like something undergoing the process of fermentation, however often he takes a bath.
• Start the day comparing who had the most stinky morning breath through a quick ‘good morning’ kiss. You just wish he doesn’t shove his tongue to your throat.
• Frostbitten because he’s so fond of turning the A/C to high cool but hugs the blankie all to himself with the premise that you are well-insulated as what is biologically natural for females (he was watching too much Animal Planet before he hit the sack).
• With the sheets all crumpled at one side of the bed because his idea of sleeping is closely related to break dancing. You have managed to sew the sheets on the bed to satisfy your obsessive-compulsive behavior, but he is really good at this. Now your bills are piling up since you have to shop for new sheets every month – or twice a month.
• Being forced to act like a sex slave however hard you explain to him that you are running late for an appointment because he was having the morning erection and he wants to take advantage of the opportunity, saying that: “Honey, we will miss times like this when the time comes that I’ll have to use Viagra to get it up.” You just wish that would come – soon before you lose your job.
• Get off the bed but slipped on the floor face down as you are rushing to go first in the bathroom because he changes clothes (and underwear) like a snake that changes skin and leaves it anywhere. You blame him for your bleeding nose, he promises to put the dirty clothes at the laundry bin, but he keeps promises like this for only 12 hours. Every time you look at the mirror you are reminded that you are in dire need of a nose job and a helmet to protect your head from further injuries due to dirty laundry. And your officemates are considering consulting the Women’s Desk at a local police because they think you are suffering from domestic abuse. (Can this be considered as one?)

In the Bathroom, you:

• Feel that you don’t need any form of exercise because every morning is a race between him and you as to who goes first. You get your 15-minute going-and-bathing compared to his let-me-read-the-paper-while-going which usually involves reading the daily paper from sections to sections to cover to cover and he proudly tells you the he only takes about for 3 minutes to bathe. (Most of them don’t scrub and apply hair conditioner.)
• Have to make sure you get the first turn throne, if not you better prepare yourself to sit on urine and fecal debris all over the toilet seat cover. If you get too unlucky, he might even forget to flush. (And they wonder and ask you how you knew so well what they ate.)
• Can either share the morning going and bathing ritual with him, only if you can take the smell of other people’s waste without feeling your stomach welling up to puke? No scented candles and oil can fight the smell of his waste which often reminds you of his missed turns to take the garbage out.
• Agree to share the bathroom with him, but it works his hormones up that he again starts to feel really hot over your naked presence (while brushing your teeth at that) and pleads to go for another round which means that you will have to call the office to tell the secretary that you will be off for half a day. And you have to bathe again after because you will surely smell like his aftershave all over. Not good at all.
• Have to make sure you locked the bathroom door; otherwise the same as the above will surely happen.
• Have to have your own set of soaps if you are using one instead of the body wash/gel type – that is if you hate seeing his pubic hair all over your soap. Usually males cannot understand the hygienic value of washing the soap after use. Make sure that you put your set not within his reach from the toilet seat.
• Have to be aware that he doesn’t switch your towels because his towel smells like a decaying mammal because he forgets to hang it every after use. (You have to notice that sometime soon that mushrooms will start growing on his towel.) It pays a lot to have the towel color-coded or name-embroidered if you can’t take offending him by telling him straight.

While changing, you:

• Realize that you need your own closet because you cannot find your clothes from all the piles of his slightly worn, twice-tried yet unworn clothes that forever smells like the strong scent of his underarm deodorizer, if you are sharing closets.
• Still see some of his belongings inside your own personal, double locked closet that he manages to rummage every time you are out of the house or just not looking. His reason: maybe his other sock was somewhere there. But you start asking yourself if he is trying your clothes when you are out of sight.
• Have to have your own comb because if he shares it with you, you have to use it first because if he gets on it before you do, and it’ll all be covered with hair gel remains that will surely cause damage to your hair.

Over breakfast, you:

• Have to make coffee to make sure that he doesn’t serve you last night’s brew which he believes doesn’t spoil at all. Something in him believes that the sour taste is actually part of the coffee’s strong blend until you convince him that the white foamy float only shows that it is spoiled; and is actually a lower life form that will eventually evolve to a dinosaurs that’ll eat us all. (He is so fascinated with dinosaurs lately that every time you use those as an example, he gets frenzied and believes whatever you say – fact or fiction.)
• Prepare a hearty meal, or ask the house help to do it because he often reminds you that male activities burn too much calories and he needs his feeding to be really substantial for the day but he only takes a couple of bites because he is running late and so are you.
• Try to read the paper over coffee but cannot figure out which section comes first with what page because every time he gets a hold of the paper before you do, every portion gets lost. At the worst case, you cannot actually read it because it’s soaking because once again, he forgets to put it in the magazine rack in the bathroom after reading it so it was actually bathing with him.
• Get two different dailies to make sure you read the news but still he reads both papers and you end up with nothing – thank CNN and BBC! Too bad if he watches sports reruns on cable over breakfast.

On the way to work, you:

• Either leave ahead of him or he does, but in any case, he demands that you tell him where you are even if he is fully aware of your to-the-office route – or if you reached the office, to somehow ease his guilt of not driving you there.
• Are bothered by several calls from him that you get distracted to drive because he most probably left something at home and can’t find it so he asks you that as if it is your eternal duty to keep track of his things for him. You have imagined telling him to fuck off after several times of diplomatically telling him that you have no idea where this and that of his is but he remains unconvinced that you haven’t seen any of those things that he needs to bring at work all of the sudden, but you don’t want to get him aroused with the mere mention of the f word – and so again. You will definitely lose your job if he does.
• Attend to work as soon as you get to the office, forgets to call him that you reached your destination safely, and he starts bugging you again because you didn’t call.

At work, you:

• Try to finish everything to avoid overload the next day or deal with work and inconsiderate co-workers, lucky for some who love what they are paid to do, then you receive a call from him only to ask whether you had your lunch and he starts talking about the way he hates his boss and the call lasted for an hour wasting your lunchtime and thinking if you will be more productive if he gets himself a shrink.

After work, you:

• Are finally glad to be free and have coffee with your friends. But he starts his annoying calls and messages in your voicemail asking where you are, who you are with, what are you doing and what time will you be home – that as if he intends to come home early after his night-out with the boys.

Once you get home, you:

• Have been dying to hit the sack and be earlier at work the next day, only to realize that you have to wait for him to be home since he probably left his keys at home (or just can’t find it) and you won’t be able to sleep because when he gets home, he starts a doorbell concert as a sign of impatience. You don’t want to alarm the neighbors if he attempts to go over the fence and try to break in, would you? And when he comes back, he will kiss you in the cheeks and ask you why you are still up.
• Are glad that he’s home early from work, and he prepares the dinner – only, he prepares his usual spam and eggs – the only meal that he can cook even with eyes closed. Over dinner, he again starts talking about his day at work, which you had over lunch. He expects you to be empathetic over his unfortunate rack-and-file position at some corporate office and how he wants to start putting up his own company so you will stop working. Some men are programmed into thinking that the only reason you work is to pay for your bills, they cannot fully grasp that part of working is finding meaning to the career that you choose to have.
• Get a shower before you hit the sack, and finds him in bed all ready for the end-of-the-day round. And since he is undoubtedly sexy as hell, you jump at the offer like some rabid dog. As soon as he comes, you are sure to listen to his snoring like that of an ailing whale. Now you understand why the neighbors are complaining of brutal animal killings in your home and you have to prove during the homeowners’ association meeting that it was actually your partner and not some demonic ritual involving slaughter of animals that caused all the disturbance.
• Want to get enough sleep so you give him a give him a good whack in the shin but only the pitch and the tempo of the snoring changes. So you decide to record his musical (if you might want to call it that) concerto that you can use to blackmail him in the future. Imagine how powerful your ex-partners are.
• Finally gave up waiting for that moment’s silence and disappeared into oblivion – with the hope that tomorrow will be different. But it wouldn’t be.

Over the weekend, you:

• Are glad to finally get a couple of days off from work, but his relatives suddenly start pouring into your home for that unwanted family day. You can see your peace of mind walking away with your sanity but you get distracted from it all because you have one thousand relatives to exchange friendly kisses with and they all expect you to remember their names and how they are related to your partner.
• Feel like committing a parricide when his parents visit you because they keep bugging you about getting married, having children (because your childbearing clock is ticking and they so wanted to have grandchildren).
• Should also keep that smile whenever they give their unsolicited advice on the interiors of your house; they may be planning to make it an extension of their house or at the worst, maybe, move in?
• Thought of inviting him for shopping, he agrees, but gives you a face because it takes too long for you to decide which shoes you want to buy. If only he had an idea that you are just making sure that you don’t want to waste your money buying things you might not use more than once. He keeps niggling you with all the things he needs to buy and asking you to do it for him but he doesn’t want to have his share of the pain of shopping because he thinks you enjoy walking around the mall filled with consumerism zombies looking out for items on sale.
• Both decide to watch a movie – but only the movie that he wants to watch since you can watch the movie you want with your girlfriends.
• Need to wash all your underwear because you are too ashamed to send it to the laundry with all the used clothes. Get set to wash the skid marks off.
• Feel lucky because he finally pursued his long-planned weekend getaway for both of you – only, it involves fishing which you have no liking at all. He doesn’t even bother asking what YOU like to do.
• Get some time off him and start with that book that you are dying to read because he plays basketball with the boys during weekend. The only trouble is getting his sweaty underarms all over you after the game. He feels sexy smelling his own sweat, maybe you should too. Nose plugs might work for you after all.

Your weekday quandary starts again.

But what’s with all the fuss over these things? Well, maybe it is LOVE. Or martyrdom. Only a few people know the difference anyway.